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All we are is all we are. [22 Nov 2010|02:29pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Well, I'm sitting here at work again and I'm listening to the Humpty Dance on a Yahoo radio channel. This past weekend was the 23rd anniversary of my escaping the womb. It was really nice. Lindsey and I went to North Topsail Island and stayed there for a couple of nights hanging out, walking on the beach, playing badminton and frisbee and going shopping. It was a really nice holiday and a great way to celebrate my birthday. It was too cold to go swimming of course, but we still made do and had a great time! I got some great stuff from her... Including Darkwing Duck volume 2 on DVD which is something that I've been looking for for damn near a year now. It was truly wonderful!

While I'm still considering creating the secondary blogging site for Lindsey and myself, I still intend to continue blogging on here by myself... But, considering this page is probably getting close to 10+ years old now, I feel like I should start over and begin with a new page. So, over the next couple of days I'm going to be building a new page and transferring some of my more recent entries over to it. I don't intend to delete this page but I don't really want it attached with my writing anymore.

I write this so that you all (particularly Laura.. my only reader it seems) will know what's happening whenever that time comes.


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[18 Nov 2010|03:37pm]
[ mood | content ]

I'm sitting here on a temporary job. They're currently looking around for something for me to do and they told me that I could log onto my Facebook or email or whatever, so I don't see why Livejournal would be any different.

I'm currently streaming a 90's music channel on Yahoo. I've never worked a more comfortable job a day in my life. Currently I'm working behind the scenes for radio stations all around the world. Inputting information from music surveys all over the world. Today I'm scanning information for a radio station in Germany. I've worked here one other day in the past, and I have to admit... This is my dream job... Even if I didn't know it existed until a few months ago. Unfortunately, they haven't been hiring for a permanent position. Maybe at the beginning of the year I can get my foot in the door... Who knows? All I know is that I can hope.

I've been seriously considering starting a combined blog with my girlfriend Lindsey on a site that people actually go to... We go to see a movie once a week and I think it would be fun to compare and contrast our views on the movies that we see as well as have other people weigh in with their opinions. We also plan to talk about music, life and all sorts of fun things. I will keep you all updated as that site progresses. I'll probably save most of my rambling for that blog after I get it figured out... Any suggestions for a hip blogging spot that people actually use these days? Livejournal is missing a pulse in the way of activity... I feel like I should give a eulogy or something.


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I'm a people watcher... Here comes one now! [16 Nov 2010|11:30am]
[ mood | exanimate ]

For many years now I've been heavily into people watching... Not in a creepy way like... Staring at them from across the room. I've mastered the art of subtlety when it comes to watching the people around me..

At this very moment, I'm sitting at one of the best Starbucks locations in North Raleigh. Friendly staff, comfortable environment and most of all... Incredibly amusing customers. Over in the far left hand corner of the store, there is a group of women who are celebrating a birthday and in the process they are all communicating by using their hands and shaking their heads just as much as they're moving their lips. Such a dangerous means of conversation... I mean, with all of the pointing and the waving, I'm surprised that they haven't slapped each other or jabbed themselves in the eye.

Directly across from me are a group of three college girls who simply will not shut up! They're talking louder than anyone in the whole shop and they're also sitting closer to each other than anyone. They're talking about the most off topic things for people in a small little shop. Blood behind their grandfather's eyeballs, bumps that are appearing on their bodies... Moles that should probably be checked. I'm rather disgusted at how loudly open these young ladies are. These are things that I wouldn't discuss... And even more than that most certainly not in a public place.

A while ago, there was an elderly man that I tend to see just about every morning that I come in here. He's always sitting on the edge of his seat... And he is that awkward personality who stares at you from across the room in the hopes that you will say one or two words to him... Just enough for him to get his foot into a conversation and run with it. I feel sorry for him... If I get to that point, I'd rather just have one of you swell livejournalers shoot me... However, I don't think I'll ever be that lonely. I don't believe in loneliness as an option... Unless, you choose to be so. You should never change your life or limit your friends because you make new ones... Every new friend that I've made since I moved to Raleigh, has fallen through but you know what friends remain? You guessed it! The old ones. (As if there was a third choice) I know that as you get older and perhaps at that gentleman's age, a lot of your friends start dying off... But I feel that you're never too old to make new friends... Even if they're the loopy, weird alzheimer's infected guy who sits and stares at the wall and talks to it in the room next to you in your retirement community... I would like to think that even at that point of brain degeneration people still can associate happiness with friendship.

Because what's the only type of boat that you can't sink?

A friendship!


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Teenage heck! [08 Nov 2010|07:17pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I recently went through a bunch of my emails sent to me on Myspace. It's a semi-surreal/painful thing to go back through and relive your past in the written word. If you've never done it.. I wouldn't suggest starting. I am hugely obsessed with how the past shapes the way that things turn out. I don't like the idea of living in the past but for someone like me, it's really hard not to do so sometimes.
Almost a year and a half ago, I moved to Raleigh from the Greensboro area. It was a move that I felt was 100% justified and while I haven't regretted it once, it's been tough living in this new environment without my old support group. That being said, I've been surrounded with a fantastic new support group, but I just feel like I'm a boy set in his small town ways living in the big city. It can at times, be overwhelming. As I said, I don't regret my decision but at times, it's easy to reminisce and amazingly, all of those things that I hated about High Point don't seem so bad... I know if I still lived there, they would... There's something so nostalgic about the past, it's warming like a steamy cup of soup on the morning after a fresh snow.

Back to my original topic, however... I recently went through a bunch of my old emails and I have to say... I was much less on my side than I expected to be. It seemed that most of the conflict that was following me around at that time wasn't the fault of others as much as I thought it was at the time. It was actually very much my fault.

Approximately five years ago, just about everyone that I knew thought that I was gay. It was such an intense group, that I actually began to wonder if I was. I can look back now, knowing how I feel that I've matured and I can safely say that I was never gay, but whenever everyone is bombarding you and doubting your declarations of straightness, it's very hard to not let their negative jive bring you down. I do have to say though, that the people who often thought me to be gay were probably the catalysts to my questions of my own sexuality. They treated me like dirt... At that time, with the exception of one or two girls, all of them acted like I was their best friend one day and then wouldn't return my calls the next. I don't doubt that I egged them on, to some degree... But I don't think the way that they reciprocated my behavior was appropriate in any way.

I say all of this (very cryptically) to admit that I was wrong. I don't dwell on my being wrong, but it was the case. Katie was right... Sure, she treated me poorly and she did some things that she probably shouldn't but she was right. I should have been more dominant, I should have treated her differently! I should have been a man!! But it was also harder for me than it should have been... It's hard when you're raised by your mother to be some womanizing asshole, which is what I think she wanted me to be... On a minor scale. Caitlin was right... Definitely not with the way she treated me at times. I think she would probably agree on that. Our relationship never went anywhere because we were both very immature and wanted different things. I could only call her my girlfriend for a total of about 15 hours before she broke it off. I don't blame her... It certainly wasn't a "relationship" in the modern terms.. But she was a great friend and I know I gave her a lot of crap. So, to her and to Katie, I'm sorry that I never met expectations, but we're all in better places (I would like to hope) even though I haven't really talked to either of them in a very long time.

Growing up is never easy... Especially whenever you're finding yourself... I've always surrounded myself with people who were older than me (except at that time) so I feel like I've inadvertently had to grow up faster than most of my other friends... So, it was hard to really act my age as I was going through changes that I don't think they were ready to go through.. Maybe I shouldn't have been so eager to go through them, but it was one of those things that couldn't be controlled.

They say that "love is Hell"... I don't think that's really accurate... I was never in love with them. My life would be in a different place, without a doubt if that had've been the case. But regrets are pointless whenever the future is so bright. I have found love... And it is by no means Hell. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones, but judging from the other people I know who are also in love, they don't seem to be in Hell too much.. I think that phrase should be changed... Love isn't Hell. Being a teenager is Hell, but it's all good, because it makes the future so much more hopeful!

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A little personal history.. [06 Apr 2010|08:34am]
I was born into a semi-large family. This made up for a lot of who I became. It can at times be hard to tell by my usually pale appearance that I am a mutt of sorts. I am descended from African Americans on my mother's side and Native Americans on my father's. I often used to joke that I was a self hating Irishman because I'm also both Irish and Italian. That's not true though... I think the whole feud between the sides is just plain silly in the first place.

I was raised semi-poor. We never let that stop us though. There was always food on the table and always gas in the tank. I was educated well so I can't really complain (although I probably could for hours if I tried). I went to a private school for most of my education and formative years. That's why I was raised poor. The cost of religious education is truly unethical in this country.

I was raised to believe in certain things. I later discovered a lot of things by choice. For a portion of my younger life I was raised Republican. A large majority of my family were Conservatives so why shouldn't I be the same? I've since changed my mind and philosophies... What do you expect from me? I was young and stupid back then. (That's not to say that all who vote Republican are young and stupid though.. Many are old) I have since denounced any major party affiliation because I realize that as long as these two parties continue to duke it out... We'll never be prosperous as a country. I don't consider myself to be a part of any major political party... However, if there were someone for a certain party that I approved of.. I wouldn't hesitate to vote for them.. I'll just say that I've yet to see a Republican that I believe in.

I was never raised to believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus.. I was however raised on the stories of Jesus the Christ. Those stories were certainly more exciting than stories of a bunny who shoots colorful eggs out of his butthole for boys and girls or a man of pedophile status who sneaks into houses once a year while kids are sleeping and leaves them gifts... On second thought... Those stories are pretty interesting.

For some reason, even though I wasn't raised to believe in MOST mythical characters.. I was raised to believe in the tooth fairy.. I guess parents consider that a little more settling than just saying "You pull that tooth out and I'll give you money" I think that's the more ethical approach however... I think if more parents explained that to kids it would teach them the value of a dollar. It would show them that nothing in this life comes easy and that there will inevitably be pain and hard ship for the money you earn. I'm also not sure why but for some reason whenever I was told of the tooth fairy as a child.. I always pictured Tinkerbell from Disney's Peter Pan. A weird association, I know... But one I made nonetheless.

I pretty much have changed my opinion on all of the things that I've listed in the last few paragraphs at this point in my life... But it's the stories of how I get from point A to point B that will keep this blog interesting... Hopefully. And rest assured... I won't just be talking about these important points... I'll be talking about a little bit of everything. Because that's another thing that I was raised to do in my family: Ramble. -gl
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Writing again for the sake of writing... Again. [05 Apr 2010|10:49am]
I re-read some of my old writing. In a sense, I wish I could make it all go away and start fresh never remembering the things from my past that I would just as soon forget.
But you know what?
That's not fair to myself or to anyone who cares enough to read my past posts... There's something nostalgic about the past. There's something tenderizing about the future. I'll never understand how people can find a lack of comfort in redundancy. It's very endearing to me. It's been over two years since I posted a blog on here. It's been two years since I felt like sharing my life with those people I know through this mediocre website. What do I have to say now? Not a lot but I have something to say.
I always think of things and can't help but wonder if I should place them in writing for time to never erase. My ideals and philosophies are silly to me right now, but what if someone 10,000 years down the road is digging through the archives of this ancient device that imploded and collapsed on itself and they stumble across my writing? What if my ideals and philosophies help unite the world? I'm being over-dramatic yes... but in short I think I'm saying that not only is it important to document thoughts... It's essential. Writing is one of the things that separate us from most animals. I personally don't care if anyone reads this... If you do.. I thank you. If not.. That's fine too. I'm not worried about using choice words and all of the proper grammar right now because this is just a way to express myself. I'm not yearning for an A+
I do intend to write more frequently... Perhaps not on the scale that I used to write but I intend to write just enough to prevent myself from suffering from writer's block... Whatever the hell that is.
So here it is... A new start... or perhaps just an updated version of the nonsense and blah-filled: "woe is me" garbage I used to write. Here's to the future and the stories that I have to tell... If you're interested in reading.. I will thank you in advance and hope to entertain you as I entertain myself with these blogs. -gl
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Here we go again [30 Dec 2007|09:39pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Another year has passed and what do I have to show for myself?

A lot actually. Many things in this year have been accomplished. Many more than I expected honestly. But, ironically enough it's those things that are upsetting me the most as I sit down here to whine in my very own little livejournal page.

Some say that repetition is hell, and honestly, that's been my life this year. I accomplish all of these amazing things and I'm at an amazing point in my life and what happens? People come back and suck me right back into their little games. They don't mean to... they dont even know they have games, but they do.

With the countless cigarettes I've sucked into me in this last year and the drunken nights where almost nothing made sense, I've learned things. Work has been great and awful at the same time. Being an assistant manager that knows he could be a store manager is an ugly situation to be trapped in. Bonds have been severed; bonds have been strengthened. I thank God for the bonds that haven't disappeared. And I give all the love in the world to the ones that have.

As I sit here, everyone wants to spend time with me but I dont want to see anyone. What's the point? There's always tomorrow.

My brother is engaged to be married. This was a Christmas day discovery. I never thought I'd see the day where Jeb would beat me to the alter... Congrats to him though. I hope all goes well in that.

With the exception of the occasional evening spent with Jake and Amber or with John, the entire Christmas season has been awful. I have my tree up, but for the first time in 20 years of life, I have no appriciation for it. I have no reason to even care that it's up. Nothing has felt like Christmas this year. Even with the lights and Christmas music on nearly every station I turn to. It's been a season where I just wanted to fly away. I needed a release but with my serious reservations with marijuana and other drugs I've just sort of sat here grounded with nothing as my savior through the crap.

Sometimes, I envy kites. They're the truest form of something without meaning. They live a life of restricted beauty. They're on a string so their limitations are certainly there, but there's a lot of room to falter. With the right owner, when they crash and burn they're just thrown back into the windy sky to soar for as long as they're given. I wish life was that simple. That we were things of beauty with limitations. Perhaps that's what the human race was in the very beginning, but now we're nothing more than filthy beings steadily declining with no one to throw us back up into the sky.

Another blog about another new year... and kites. That's a new one just for 2008. So, I'll throw some cliché seasonal greeting at you as I close this entry...

Happy New Years everyone!

Here's to 2008.

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Rambled Jumblings [05 Nov 2007|08:34pm]
[ mood | happy ]

So far away,
Walk a little closer.
Fragile body beneath the Calvin Klein laden exterior.
Why do you hide?
Bashful waves.
Walk a little closer.

Speak elegantly,
Hinting of insecurity.
Abundance, abundance, abundance.
A sun dance for the gods who carefully sculpted your frame.
Perfect ass, perfect breasts.
Tucked away under that sweet solemn veneer of vague interests.
Napoleon, Napoleon,
Fits you well.
Walk a little closer.

Dark rimmed glasses speak of the daily trends,
Red and black outfit,
No faux pas to be found.
Ground me, ground me,
Take me to bed.
Whisper sweet somethings,
Leave me misguided.
Changing tides - Genuine interest.
Walk a little closer.

Hours after; leave me longing for you.
Wee morning hours spent lusting after this.
Reeking of cigars smoked by the early morning stoned wimp.
Touch my mind, touch my heart, touch me.
Rain pitters and sometimes patters.
Snow builds up in the winter time.
Lock me away in a room without a view,
And see what other things I'll write.
But when I get out I only ask one things for you to do.
One thing that is so very silly but so very true.
Dont laugh, dont scoff, just do as I say:
Walk a little closer.

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I've got no traction cause I'm running on ice. [12 Jun 2007|02:15pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Has it really just been one year? It seems like so much more. At this point one year ago it was the beginning of the end. The end signifying two people's issues which would ultimately result in death. This time last year there were five people I knew that at this point have passed on. This time last year I was unemployed. What a difference a day makes... indeed. But what an intense difference 365 of them make.

Have you ever had the kind of day where you wake up and it's a struggle just to make it the fourteen or fifteen hours that you're awake? Well, I had a years worth of those this past year. I've gone through so many changes and ultimately I feel that it makes me a better and stronger person. I used to be this clingy, needy, whiny, and dare I say "emo" kid. I loved punk rock and to me there was no other kind of music. I dressed in black because it made me feel special and unique. It's too bad I was blinded by the fact that everyone and their mother dress that way now. I've become something that I'm very proud of. I've shed some of the things that were holding me back from being what I truly had the potential to be. In the past year, I've excelled at an instrument, learned the true importance of not allowing others to trample you, and certainly developed an interest in returning to school and attaining a degree in something. I think I will pursue a career in music. I know I have a love-hate relationship with it, but it's good to have a direction.

All I've needed has been consistency in my life. And, yeah yeah, I haven't totally found it quite yet, but I'm on a great track. I don't regret a single thing this year. I do not regret any bad jobs, petty fights, or losses of friends. That's not something that I wish to worry myself with anymore. I've spent the whole year wondering and well... wandering. I've been trapped in a ditch (so to speak) that I dug for myself. But it's time to put my hiking shoes on and get out of there.

So here's to another year. Raise a glass. Let's hope it's a good one. And if I'm still around and the Earth hasn't exploded yet... I'll be back here typing the same old mundane garbage that's really for no one but me next year.

Until next time,

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I am a Gemini horse rangling Satinist! [30 May 2007|12:47am]
It's HIlarious that you openede this. In the next forty two years you will fall in love, fall off a horse, fall into a well, and fall to your death.

But first, ypu have to repost with one of the following (funny) titles because it's necessary.

*I am a Jew that dislikes money.
*I am a black male that dislikes crime.
*I am a white person that dilikes having everything handed to them.
*I am a perfectionist with tendencies for self mutilation.
*I am a bunny rabbit with AIDS.
*I am AIDS in a bunny rabbit.
*I am a mouse with a mouse pad.
*I fucked your baby!
*I fucked your wife!
*I fucked your favorite animated personality.
*I am a Gemini horse rangling Satinist.
*I am a Scorpio cow humping Athiest.
*I am a Leo donkey fucking Christian.
*I am a God fearing juvenile delenquent.
*I got your five year old daughter pregnant!
*Fuck anyone gullible enough to believe these dumb surveys.
*I am your dumb ass.
*I am a flattened beer cap.
*I am Homer Simpson on a diet.
*I am a Mexican that doesnt know how to drive.
*I am an STD on a NYC bus.
*I am God with a mental handicap.

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Technicolor nightmares... and other happy things! [27 May 2007|01:14pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

There have been times when I've gone to sleep and woke up in an entirely different place. In my life I've been spotted sleepwalking. But, that's not the oddest thing. I've gone to sleep in one place and in the morning, I recall waking up an entire thirty minutes away. One might say it's dangerous that I drove somewhere in a state of mind that I cant clearly recall. I would be inclined to agree but I've made it every time. I guess it's no worse than driving after drinking. And in my younger... more party filled days I did that a time or two. I'm not proud of it, and it's something I'll never do again, but at the time, I didn’t care if I died. Is this perhaps my body telling me that it doesn’t care? Driving while my conscious mind isn’t totally aware? I don’t even begin to know. Am I looking into this particular phenomenon (so to speak) far too much? Probably... but I'm an overly-analytical person.

You know who I miss? Amber... I was just thinking about this the other day. She truly was like no other person I've ever known... the total opposite of me. The epitome or everything that I hate. Southern, unintelligent... But I couldn’t get enough of her presence. I often wonder where the hell she is. I often wonder what could have happened... but I blame no one other than myself. I'm good at dilly-dallying until I miss opportunities. Hi, my name is Gary and I have a problem. But, I've never known anyone quite like her. And I wonder if I ever will again. Blah, maybe I just miss having a crush on someone or something that doesn’t totally treat me like the bubble gum** attached to the bottom of their shoe.

**It should be noted that this particular piece of bubble gum has been tracked through mud, doggy poo, AND my personal favorite feline urine (mmmm, ammonia!).

Why do I find myself being so infatuated with controlling egocentric girls? They're silly... Because it seems that the more messed up someone is, the more appealing they are. That's something I've been picking up on as of late. With the more girls that I've gotten to know... the warped ones certainly hold my attention better. Or the ones I don’t understand, but they don’t hold my heart... just my lust. And while lust is lovely in it's own time... I hear having someone's heart is better... Eh, who the heck knows?! I just know that I would rather have someone's heart over their lust! I don’t know, maybe I'm just old fashioned or perhaps a little more conservative than I realized... but who's to say?

But you know, I just think too much. Most people aren’t aware. I very rarely express my deepest thoughts... well, that is unless I'm with someone who is getting intimate with reality checks... then I'll jump right in and talk about my latest thoughts on subjects that no one really gives a damn about. Life, love, money... humanity in general is just a study guide for me. I found myself dissecting my own personality today and I came to the conclusion that I am a human chameleon. I don’t know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's what I am. I can fit in with any crowd (within certain reasons... good lord within certain reasons) and that's why everyone knows me. So to everyone who asks me how I know everyone... That's how... I can be any person I want to be to adapt with a certain environment. But the odd thing is... even when I'm at my most somber and silent, or at my most sprightly and silly: I am me.. I’m not throwing up some sort of charade… it’s me… it’s all me baby. I guess I’m just generally a very adaptive character. But I was somewhat surprised when I realized that even when I’m at my most pleasant or at my most cantankerous… I’m me. And I’m not "bull shitting" anyone. It’s cool. It’s the way I was made and it’s the way I intend to stay.

So yeah… that’s my latest blog on sleep walking, Lust Vs. Heart, and chameleons!

So this is a good night from the Kid Chameleon himself,

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Hey er'vrybody! [25 Apr 2007|12:04am]
[ mood | happy ]

This past weekend was certainly one for the books. I went to Raleigh for visit Laura and Reid at State. I've been making false promises for a while that I would and now that I have my promises are no longer... false.. and stuff. It's pretty cool.

I got to meet Laura's boyfriend Jon. He's awesome. He and I are pretty identical in a lot of ways but it's in the good sort of identical way... not in the "oh my God this guy is the Bizarro to my Superman" sort of way.

This weekend reminded me of why I live. When I stay at home and stay in my circle of people.. I'm not alive. Technically I am, but not truly... not to my full potential. And being reminded of how great life truly can be, it's a bitter-sweet feeling being back. But really, I'd like to be back there. Or at the beach... or in the mountains... one of the places that bring me peace. I'm not satisfied eking through life in a mundane little town with a humdrum little life with only two friends who live near me. That's not where I want or need to be. I need to go somewhere and be something. I have potential and even more than that, I have faith. So, now I have to continue to keep the faith. It feels good to be at this point in my life. I'm truly happy. Thank God... I'm actually happy.

So yeah... that's all I have to say about that... In closing... a picture of me playing a Hello Kitty guitar:

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

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[02 Jan 2007|06:11pm]
I cried today. I havent cried in close to five years. I've been through financial hell, loss of loved ones, and overwhelming stress... and I didnt shed a tear. I'm glad to know that I'm still capable of crying and that I havent become some heartless robot.. Even if some would say I have.

This is my stereotypical new year's post. I post because I can, and I can because I'm bored. This new years ever wasnt glamorous or fantastic.. I was too sick with my allergies to enjoy it much. I worked on New Year's Eve and then... didnt get wasted like every other person on the face of the Earth. I dont know, it was kind of fresh. Still, not the way I would have brought in my new year, if I had've still been in contact with a lot of people.

Last year really didnt do much for me.. and from the first three days this year isnt looking up too much. But, all the while, it certainly has great potential. Lots of things are gonna change this year. I finally have the motivation to get back in school. I've spent a day in a factory. How anyone can do that and enjoy it is beyond me. The blue collar life is not for me. In fact, I hate it a whole lot. Fitting.. considering how much I hate all four of those Blue Collar "funny" guys. Dustin and I have a lot going for us with the band/recording studio project and I hope that that starts bringing in some money. The band is doing well.. And my relationships with people are coming back into view. I've been an emotional (and physical) hermit these past few weeks. But everything is coming together.

Blah, whatever... here's to 2007!
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Gary is truly the angriest of angries. [28 Nov 2006|06:28pm]
It strikes me as odd. You know, the fact that when we're children how different everything is. What happens that makes us grow up so much? I went over a bridge today that I used to travel over a lot when i was a child. It used to seem so massive and the incline made me feel like I was getting ready to go over a roller coaster. It seemed so much different. I did not feel excited... in fact that only thing that hit me was a cold flashback. These sentimental things change so much. People come and go. Things that excite us also come and go. But it's funny how life sets up a brand new set of people or something else that's exciting to make us smile. I've been observing the people that I trust with my life a lot lately and with the exception of two, I've grown to doubt my friends. A lot of friends have become offended that I've become a busier person and to them I say... get over it. Things cant stay the same forever unfortunately.

I dont know what started all of this thinking... But I do know the general time that I changed my views on everything. A couple of weeks ago I went out of town for a little bit and while I was in this other place a lot of things hit me. I dont hate High Point as much I thought I did was the main thing I concluded. I got caught up in the bandwagon of hating this place when.. I cant really hate it, it's my home. I've been here since the day I was born and while I dont plan to stay here til the day I die... I'm not miserable here... In fact, I like it here a lot. I do however acknowledge that this is a dead end town and I am aware that it sucks to a degree... but all the while, it's not so bad. At least, not in my book.

Due to some things I found out that others said and all sorts of uncomfortable confessions on that trip I've grown to doubt a lot of things that I really took for granted then. A lot of the people I thought that I could trust with my life showed off their true colors. I was devastated with the blows I received. Because of that and lots of stress from having car problems I've had a really hard time being comfortable with anyone here lately. I've been really distant with several of my friends and I dont know if I'm going to get any warmer. I dont plan to. I've had it with them.

My pride has been damaged to some degree as of late with the constant questioning of my sexuality. I guess I need to make a public service announcement. I am straight. I dont need anyone to try to figure me out with your psychological mumbo jumbo. I know what I am and now you all do as well. I like girls. End of the freaking story. I'm sick of having this question thrown at me or hearing through the grapevine that someone thinks that I'm a homosexual. I am not. If it's because of my love for Savage Garden, I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit to liking them a lot. And yes, I was really sad when I found out the lead singer was gay. If it's because I'm a quiet and nice person well... that's what happens whenever you're raised by a strongly religious mother who taught you all of these things. Due to everyone questioning me I've become quite prejudice towards a lot of people. I'm sick of the accusations. And I'm sick of those doing the accusing. Get over yourself. If you think I'm gay then you dont know me very well. And apparently a lot of people dont know me well at all.

Lastly, I'm really tired of my car issues. I'm driving a rental car right now but it's getting to be a real hassle. They're talking about cutting off my rental car by this Friday. And it's looking like I'm going to wind up being ripped off... how fair is that? It's not my fault. It's that awful Mexican's fault. I guess that just shows how well our justice system works.

I'm done. If you're offended by anything I said in here... Then you're probably one of the people I'm cutting out.

That's all.
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Collision course.. [29 Oct 2006|01:54am]
[ mood | calm ]

Well, I just woke up from a brief slumber. I had plans tonight. They all took a turn for the worse because some dumbass Mexican woman took a turn right into my car. Let me start this from the beginning.

I was tired of sitting around my house this afternoon watching movies so I decided I'm going to go do some work at my uncle's paint shop. It's something I've been putting off the past couple of days. I went out of the house, jumped in Cooter the Scooter (my car) and was on my way to work at my uncle's.

I had been traveling down Kivett Drive and everything was going smoothly until I got to the Main Street intersection. I was coming down Kivett in the left lane. It's a turning lane but you can also go straight in it. Some Mexican woman was in the middle lane and she decided she was going to go left and cut across the lane in front of me. Having to react in less than two seconds and not having the most powerful breaks in the world lead to only one thing... a crash. I slammed into her driver's side door busting her glass out of the window and ripping half of her door off.

I got out of my car and went to see if she was okay and waited for the cops to get there. I had a very nice cop who was on my side the entire time. The thing that really set me off was this evil spaniard tried to say that I was the one in the middle lane turning but she was obviously lying from the areas of impact... This cop just laughed her off and gave her a ticket.

How's ol' Coot doing you may ask... Well, he's in critical condition. There's a good chance that due to the fact that he is fifteen years old that they may have to total him out. At which point I'll have to get another car... But I dont want another car.. I want MY car. :(

But, I'm just happy that no one got really hurt besides my car. I mean, there were two women, two children, and a baby in that car. I dont much care about the evil woman who made a dumb move and then tried to blame me, but I'm glad she isnt hurt too bad. I'm not hurt that badly. I'm really sore however and I'm worried that I may lose my tank as I like to call that car. But, thank God I'm still alive. It's like Laura and I were saying last night... You never really know when you may be driving and the next thing you know... your time on this Earth is up... I'm just glad this wasnt the end of my time.

I'm very grateful for that.

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Reliving a fantastic weekend.. [22 Oct 2006|11:43pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

This past weekend has been pretty incredible. I got to have some alone time, hang out with some of my good friends, and meet a couple of celebrities.

I guess I should start where most weekends start... Friday night. Actually, Friday was kind of boring, let's just skip to Saturday.

Saturday was insane because I woke up just planning on it being another day. My mom and I drove over to Lexington and as we were walking down Main Street we saw a performance going on on a stage and while it sounded like a typical karaoke performance the singer sounded just too incredible to be untrained. So I walked closer to the stage to find out that it was Jeff Timmons of 98 Degrees. Right here.. for an outdoor festival. That blew my mind... but not only that, he brought along a special guest... Anyone remember that rap song from the 90s Oochie Coochie? It was performed by a rapper who only had a couple of hits... MC Brains. Well, MC Brains took the stage and let Jeff take a break. He got out there and started rapping... Everyone in the crowd started jumping around and waving their hands in the air, etc. etc. It was an incredible sight. Then, shortly there-after Jeff took the stage again and did some more songs... Both songs from his upcoming album and from 98 Degrees And Rising. He closed the show with The Hardest Thing... My favorite song of theirs, with the exception of Invisible Man which he'd already done earlier in the show. After the show I went around behind the stage and got to talk with both of them for a little bit. Both Jeff and Brainz are really cool guys. Nice as they can be. I got autographs from both of them and had a picture taken. It was fantastic.

Then, shortly after that, I went home and then to Taco Bell with my mom. I then met up with Caitlin, John, and Kathy there.. We all went over to UNCG and saw Kathy's dorm. Then we snuck into the music school and John played some music on one of their really nice pianos while I laid on the floor. Shortly after that we left and went to Waffle House on the south end of town where on the way we saw some fellow receiving "pleasure" from his girlfriend while driving beside of us. We got to Waffle House and John had his first experience there... God, that place is better than the Diner... well, everything except for their hash browns. We then went from there to the local graveyard where we see-sawed some and then got chased out. To conclude the night we went by Stella's and talked with her for a while. That was a nice change or scenery.

Um, yeah... then today was good but much like Friday... nothing really happened, so um, I leave you with three pictures. I know they kind of suck, but it was the best I could do with my camera phone..

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Jeff Timmons

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

MC Brains or Brainz Davis as he goes by now

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Me, Jeff, Brains, and the guy who opened for them Bobby Anderson

Well, that's about it for me guys... hope you all have a good one!

-PS arent you glad that I made a happy entry?-

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Gary is still unhappy.. Prepare yourself for it. [18 Oct 2006|05:59pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

The point in living is vague. It has been for the last few years. I constantly tell my dad that I'm not depressed but... I know I'm lying. I kept telling myself that once I got a job things would be better in my life. But now that I have one... it all feels the same.

My best friend in the world is going through major problems and I'm fighting right along beside him because I know how it feels. I've been in hopeless situations... albeit, perhaps not this hopeless, but I've been there and I know what he's going through.

But, I think the thing that's bothering me the most is that every single morning when I wake up.. I feel as if my importance and significance in the lives of others goes down just a little bit more. With every passing hour I feel as though certain people care for me less and less. I feel that way for several people... I could handle it if it were just one person but with it being 3+ people it's hard. These people make me feel so unlovable, untouchable, and downright jaded. It's hard to smile today, mainly because I dont want to. It takes a bit too much effort for me.

My birthday is coming up soon and I couldnt care less. I dont really want anything. I dont want to have a party. I've never liked having parties... they just make me upset. I've always had problems with throwing parties... We dont have the money to do so. And that's fine. I'm not that upset with that because the only one I remember having as a kid, I wound up crying because everyone decided to destroy the party decorations. I dont want that garbage again.

Not everything is terrible right now. I've made a lot of positive changes in my life as of late and I'm feeling better about everything. I still have a hand full of good friends and I love them all dearly. I have a job that I'm going to like once my tests all pass. I have a lot of positive things going for me right now.

Last night John and I saw Superman Returns and I must admit.. it was really good. I mean, sure it was cheesy but so was everyone's favorite Spiderman 2. There were a few scenes that were really sweet. All in all, it was done very well. I wish Kevin Spacey had've had a bigger part but he may have one in the inevitable sequel.

Speaking of yesterday there was apparently an earthquake in Winston Salem (the town right beside of me) which inspired two aftershocks somewhere around 12 hours later. That's a scary thought.. I had no idea we were near the fault lines or whatever they call them, but I guess those things are everywhere. Something eerie about an earthquake around here... Seems almost biblical.

I'm done here I guess.


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Gary Lane... The Incredible Trapped in A Tough Situation Boy is here to amuse you! [13 Oct 2006|10:30pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Tonight I sat down and I felt the tears well up.

That's the closest I've come to crying in years.

About five to be exact.

I'm not one to sign into my journal and/or blog and whine but tonight, I felt that it was a necessity. Today has truly been cursed. Ironic that it was Friday the 13th huh? I spent the first half of my day doing nothing... I didnt have to go job hunting or anything because I finally got one. I shortly thereafter received a call from Jake telling me that I needed to come over and when I got over there I was greeted with uber stressful situations... None of those situations do I feel at liberty to discuss. Nearly ten minutes after I hung up the phone with Jake I got another phone call. This time it was John and I told him that I was hanging out with Jake. That upset him, I understand why, I dont blame him... Enough said about that. I told John that I'd call him around 10 and I proceeded to do such after leaving Jake's place. John told me he was in Greensboro.. understandable, I would be too if I were in his shoes. There are a couple other things about tonight. My car was acting jumpy... I think that may just be the climate change... It does that when it gets cold out. By the time I got home it was running fine so that's not on my mind too much. Secondly, when I close my right eye and then open it again, there is this white area at the bottom. It's a kind of light like if someone snaps a camera with the flash on and you're looking directly into it. It stayed for about thirty minutes... that worries me terribly. I'm not noticing it too much now, but then again, I'm sitting in a well lit room as I type this so I probably wouldnt notice if it were still there.

All of these things and a few other things including Jake's situation and some stuff I dont want to talk about in here inclined me to grab Chandler and sit down on the couch. I've never understood the concept of sitting and watching time pass you by until tonight. I sat and watched the clock tick minute after minute for about fifteen of them. I felt almost hypnotized... I've gotta admit, that's the best I've felt today, because I wasnt doing anything that involved well... anything. After about fifteen minutes of sitting there (which is apparently about all a cat can take of humans) Chandler jumped down and I was kind of shook back into reality. A reality that I didnt want to be brought back into so suddenly. So now I'm sitting right here, in front of a computer... typing in my diary. How cute. I'm typing about how upset I am. I pity my existence at some points. I feel trapped in a quandary.. I just dont know how to move or where to go or for that matter, who to turn to. I turn to my cat because he's the only constant. The only friend of mine who has never hurt my feelings. I just fear the day that he passes on and pray that it doesnt come too soon. Sitting here venting to some computer page that I dont care much for, hoping you people read is the simple HIGHLIGHT of my night. How pathetic.

I'm done here. I feel better. Goodnight.

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Chuckle-Butt The Rambling Pudgen. [10 Aug 2006|09:01pm]
[ mood | blank ]

I had a dream.

Perhaps not as profound as Martin Luther King Jr's dreams... But I had a dream none the less.

Last night, I had a dream that I ran into her again. It's been a while since I've seen her and I'm pretty sure she's the love of my life. I ran into her in a bookstore. I went up and talked to her and she hugged me... Her live-in boyfriend shunned me. Apparently, in my dreams, he and I are not friends. I made up for all of my past mistakes and I got her number finally. And, it's ironic... the entire time I was having this dream, I kept praying that I wouldnt wake up. I kept praying that this was really happening. Alas, to my great dismay... I woke up a few minutes later without a number, hug, or visit.

Dreams are tricky things. I was so sure this was the real thing. I felt the hug, I felt the paper that had her number on it in my hand... I felt like I was there. I smelled the typical bookstore smell. It really blew my mind whenever I woke up and all of that was ripped away from me.

It's also funny how the psyche truly works. I havent thought about her at all in the past couple of days maybe even weeks. And yet, she haunted my dreams. Well, I wouldnt call what she did "haunting" but... Yet, now that I'm awake, I feel hollow and worried. So perhaps it is indeed haunting.

I worry that she'll move away and I'll never see her again. I took solace because in my dream she said she would not be leaving. Now that I'm awake and seeing things clearly I am very aware that that was not a reality. I dont know that I truly understand reality at this point.

Due to such events, I woke up in a somewhat down mood. But at least, I look forward to the rest of the day because it can only get better, I suppose.

And I just hope that when I close my eyes tonight I dont see her face again...

Even though that would be nice.

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Gary bitches and moans some more... Stay tuned. [20 Jul 2006|02:36am]
[ mood | crappy ]

So as of right now, I feel like a real jerk. I feel a lot of pain for the way I've treated my father over the past few years. And when I say the past few years, I mean the past fifteen or so. My dad loves me and he always has, but due to some... private complications that a couple of you may know I was afraid to spend any time with him. Now that I've grown up, I feel so awful. I never spent the night at his house because of irrational fears. I never spent time with him on the weekends like I should have because I just didnt feel like it. I was a "mamma's boy" and I wish I wasnt now... I wish I had learned the things that a boy needs to learn from their father. I know very little about cars because I was always with my mom. I know very little about sports because I was always with my mom. I know very little about how to repair things around the house because I grew up with my mom, but I can tell you that the Allen doll was made by the Barbie company from the year of 1964-1965 only (before his current popularity with the dismissal of Ken of course). I wish things were a lot different.

I was just thinking about my friend's parents... they're so happy and proud of their child. It's beautiful. I wish I was the same way.

I think this line of thought started with a conversation between Katie and me the other day... I've blocked out a lot of my childhood and due to that conversation, memories have been seeping back in and it's starting to drive me mad. I cant watch home movies from when I was young because I always wind up in tears because I know how the ending will turn out. I know that the images of a happy kid with his mom and dad will dissipate just a mere year or two later. I know that kid is going to be really fucked up for years to come because of the way his mother ended things. I know all of these things and it depresses me. Really to the point of crying.

(Granted, I've gotten better about the crying everytime I watch one thing, but still the negative emotions are there)

I just wish I could turn back time and make everything work out okay with my mother and father. I wish I could be at peace with my family. I wish I could stop my mom from making all her marriage mistakes. I wish I could do a lot of things... But I cant. I can barely find the words to say to type this entry...

As the brilliant and amazing Woody Allen once said in reference to the Holocaust... History has a way of repeating itself. And my parents divorce being what I fear repeating itself... Well, that's what scares me the most.

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