I recently went through a bunch of my emails sent to me on Myspace. It's a semi-surreal/painful thing to go back through and relive your past in the written word. If you've never done it.. I wouldn't suggest starting. I am hugely obsessed with how the past shapes the way that things turn out. I don't like the idea of living in the past but for someone like me, it's really hard not to do so sometimes.
Almost a year and a half ago, I moved to Raleigh from the Greensboro area. It was a move that I felt was 100% justified and while I haven't regretted it once, it's been tough living in this new environment without my old support group. That being said, I've been surrounded with a fantastic new support group, but I just feel like I'm a boy set in his small town ways living in the big city. It can at times, be overwhelming. As I said, I don't regret my decision but at times, it's easy to reminisce and amazingly, all of those things that I hated about High Point don't seem so bad... I know if I still lived there, they would... There's something so nostalgic about the past, it's warming like a steamy cup of soup on the morning after a fresh snow.
Back to my original topic, however... I recently went through a bunch of my old emails and I have to say... I was much less on my side than I expected to be. It seemed that most of the conflict that was following me around at that time wasn't the fault of others as much as I thought it was at the time. It was actually very much my fault.
Approximately five years ago, just about everyone that I knew thought that I was gay. It was such an intense group, that I actually began to wonder if I was. I can look back now, knowing how I feel that I've matured and I can safely say that I was never gay, but whenever everyone is bombarding you and doubting your declarations of straightness, it's very hard to not let their negative jive bring you down. I do have to say though, that the people who often thought me to be gay were probably the catalysts to my questions of my own sexuality. They treated me like dirt... At that time, with the exception of one or two girls, all of them acted like I was their best friend one day and then wouldn't return my calls the next. I don't doubt that I egged them on, to some degree... But I don't think the way that they reciprocated my behavior was appropriate in any way.
I say all of this (very cryptically) to admit that I was wrong. I don't dwell on my being wrong, but it was the case. Katie was right... Sure, she treated me poorly and she did some things that she probably shouldn't but she was right. I should have been more dominant, I should have treated her differently! I should have been a man!! But it was also harder for me than it should have been... It's hard when you're raised by your mother to be some womanizing asshole, which is what I think she wanted me to be... On a minor scale. Caitlin was right... Definitely not with the way she treated me at times. I think she would probably agree on that. Our relationship never went anywhere because we were both very immature and wanted different things. I could only call her my girlfriend for a total of about 15 hours before she broke it off. I don't blame her... It certainly wasn't a "relationship" in the modern terms.. But she was a great friend and I know I gave her a lot of crap. So, to her and to Katie, I'm sorry that I never met expectations, but we're all in better places (I would like to hope) even though I haven't really talked to either of them in a very long time.
Growing up is never easy... Especially whenever you're finding yourself... I've always surrounded myself with people who were older than me (except at that time) so I feel like I've inadvertently had to grow up faster than most of my other friends... So, it was hard to really act my age as I was going through changes that I don't think they were ready to go through.. Maybe I shouldn't have been so eager to go through them, but it was one of those things that couldn't be controlled.
They say that "love is Hell"... I don't think that's really accurate... I was never in love with them. My life would be in a different place, without a doubt if that had've been the case. But regrets are pointless whenever the future is so bright. I have found love... And it is by no means Hell. Maybe I'm one of the lucky ones, but judging from the other people I know who are also in love, they don't seem to be in Hell too much.. I think that phrase should be changed... Love isn't Hell. Being a teenager is Hell, but it's all good, because it makes the future so much more hopeful!