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Chuckle-butt the Nudjen Pudgen
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| Here we go again |
[30 Dec 2007|09:39pm] |
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Another year has passed and what do I have to show for myself?
A lot actually. Many things in this year have been accomplished. Many more than I expected honestly. But, ironically enough it's those things that are upsetting me the most as I sit down here to whine in my very own little livejournal page.
Some say that repetition is hell, and honestly, that's been my life this year. I accomplish all of these amazing things and I'm at an amazing point in my life and what happens? People come back and suck me right back into their little games. They don't mean to... they dont even know they have games, but they do.
With the countless cigarettes I've sucked into me in this last year and the drunken nights where almost nothing made sense, I've learned things. Work has been great and awful at the same time. Being an assistant manager that knows he could be a store manager is an ugly situation to be trapped in. Bonds have been severed; bonds have been strengthened. I thank God for the bonds that haven't disappeared. And I give all the love in the world to the ones that have.
As I sit here, everyone wants to spend time with me but I dont want to see anyone. What's the point? There's always tomorrow.
My brother is engaged to be married. This was a Christmas day discovery. I never thought I'd see the day where Jeb would beat me to the alter... Congrats to him though. I hope all goes well in that.
With the exception of the occasional evening spent with Jake and Amber or with John, the entire Christmas season has been awful. I have my tree up, but for the first time in 20 years of life, I have no appriciation for it. I have no reason to even care that it's up. Nothing has felt like Christmas this year. Even with the lights and Christmas music on nearly every station I turn to. It's been a season where I just wanted to fly away. I needed a release but with my serious reservations with marijuana and other drugs I've just sort of sat here grounded with nothing as my savior through the crap.
Sometimes, I envy kites. They're the truest form of something without meaning. They live a life of restricted beauty. They're on a string so their limitations are certainly there, but there's a lot of room to falter. With the right owner, when they crash and burn they're just thrown back into the windy sky to soar for as long as they're given. I wish life was that simple. That we were things of beauty with limitations. Perhaps that's what the human race was in the very beginning, but now we're nothing more than filthy beings steadily declining with no one to throw us back up into the sky.
Another blog about another new year... and kites. That's a new one just for 2008. So, I'll throw some cliché seasonal greeting at you as I close this entry...
Happy New Years everyone!
Here's to 2008.
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| Rambled Jumblings |
[05 Nov 2007|08:34pm] |
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A7X |
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So far away,
Walk a little closer.
Fragile body beneath the Calvin Klein laden exterior.
Why do you hide?
Bashful waves.
Walk a little closer.
Speak elegantly,
Hinting of insecurity.
Abundance, abundance, abundance.
A sun dance for the gods who carefully sculpted your frame.
Perfect ass, perfect breasts.
Tucked away under that sweet solemn veneer of vague interests.
Napoleon, Napoleon,
Fits you well.
Walk a little closer.
Dark rimmed glasses speak of the daily trends,
Red and black outfit,
No faux pas to be found.
Ground me, ground me,
Take me to bed.
Whisper sweet somethings,
Leave me misguided.
Dumbfounded…
Changing tides - Genuine interest.
Walk a little closer.
Hours after; leave me longing for you.
Wee morning hours spent lusting after this.
Reeking of cigars smoked by the early morning stoned wimp.
Touch my mind, touch my heart, touch me.
Rain pitters and sometimes patters.
Snow builds up in the winter time.
Lock me away in a room without a view,
And see what other things I'll write.
But when I get out I only ask one things for you to do.
One thing that is so very silly but so very true.
Dont laugh, dont scoff, just do as I say:
Walk a little closer.
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| I've got no traction cause I'm running on ice. |
[12 Jun 2007|02:15pm] |
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Billy Joel - Running On Ice |
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Has it really just been one year? It seems like so much more. At this point one year ago it was the beginning of the end. The end signifying two people's issues which would ultimately result in death. This time last year there were five people I knew that at this point have passed on. This time last year I was unemployed. What a difference a day makes... indeed. But what an intense difference 365 of them make.
Have you ever had the kind of day where you wake up and it's a struggle just to make it the fourteen or fifteen hours that you're awake? Well, I had a years worth of those this past year. I've gone through so many changes and ultimately I feel that it makes me a better and stronger person. I used to be this clingy, needy, whiny, and dare I say "emo" kid. I loved punk rock and to me there was no other kind of music. I dressed in black because it made me feel special and unique. It's too bad I was blinded by the fact that everyone and their mother dress that way now. I've become something that I'm very proud of. I've shed some of the things that were holding me back from being what I truly had the potential to be. In the past year, I've excelled at an instrument, learned the true importance of not allowing others to trample you, and certainly developed an interest in returning to school and attaining a degree in something. I think I will pursue a career in music. I know I have a love-hate relationship with it, but it's good to have a direction.
All I've needed has been consistency in my life. And, yeah yeah, I haven't totally found it quite yet, but I'm on a great track. I don't regret a single thing this year. I do not regret any bad jobs, petty fights, or losses of friends. That's not something that I wish to worry myself with anymore. I've spent the whole year wondering and well... wandering. I've been trapped in a ditch (so to speak) that I dug for myself. But it's time to put my hiking shoes on and get out of there.
So here's to another year. Raise a glass. Let's hope it's a good one. And if I'm still around and the Earth hasn't exploded yet... I'll be back here typing the same old mundane garbage that's really for no one but me next year.
Until next time,
Me
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| I am a Gemini horse rangling Satinist! |
[30 May 2007|12:47am] |
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Tech N9ne - The Rain |
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It's HIlarious that you openede this. In the next forty two years you will fall in love, fall off a horse, fall into a well, and fall to your death.
But first, ypu have to repost with one of the following (funny) titles because it's necessary.
*I am a Jew that dislikes money.
*I am a black male that dislikes crime.
*I am a white person that dilikes having everything handed to them.
*I am a perfectionist with tendencies for self mutilation.
*I am a bunny rabbit with AIDS.
*I am AIDS in a bunny rabbit.
*I am a mouse with a mouse pad.
*I fucked your baby!
*I fucked your wife!
*I fucked your favorite animated personality.
*I am a Gemini horse rangling Satinist.
*I am a Scorpio cow humping Athiest.
*I am a Leo donkey fucking Christian.
*I am a God fearing juvenile delenquent.
*I got your five year old daughter pregnant!
*Fuck anyone gullible enough to believe these dumb surveys.
*I am your dumb ass.
*I am a flattened beer cap.
*I am Homer Simpson on a diet.
*I am a Mexican that doesnt know how to drive.
*I am an STD on a NYC bus.
*I am God with a mental handicap.
IF YOU REPOST THIS YOU WILL HAVE AWESOME LUCK AND YOU WILL PROBABLY NOT DIE TOMMOROW (but you might) SO REPOST THIS SH*T CAUSE IT'S FUNNY AS HE*L. DO IT N*W!!!!!!
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| Technicolor nightmares... and other happy things! |
[27 May 2007|01:14pm] |
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The Bee Gees - This Is Where I Came In |
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There have been times when I've gone to sleep and woke up in an entirely different place. In my life I've been spotted sleepwalking. But, that's not the oddest thing. I've gone to sleep in one place and in the morning, I recall waking up an entire thirty minutes away. One might say it's dangerous that I drove somewhere in a state of mind that I cant clearly recall. I would be inclined to agree but I've made it every time. I guess it's no worse than driving after drinking. And in my younger... more party filled days I did that a time or two. I'm not proud of it, and it's something I'll never do again, but at the time, I didn’t care if I died. Is this perhaps my body telling me that it doesn’t care? Driving while my conscious mind isn’t totally aware? I don’t even begin to know. Am I looking into this particular phenomenon (so to speak) far too much? Probably... but I'm an overly-analytical person.
You know who I miss? Amber... I was just thinking about this the other day. She truly was like no other person I've ever known... the total opposite of me. The epitome or everything that I hate. Southern, unintelligent... But I couldn’t get enough of her presence. I often wonder where the hell she is. I often wonder what could have happened... but I blame no one other than myself. I'm good at dilly-dallying until I miss opportunities. Hi, my name is Gary and I have a problem. But, I've never known anyone quite like her. And I wonder if I ever will again. Blah, maybe I just miss having a crush on someone or something that doesn’t totally treat me like the bubble gum** attached to the bottom of their shoe.
**It should be noted that this particular piece of bubble gum has been tracked through mud, doggy poo, AND my personal favorite feline urine (mmmm, ammonia!).
Why do I find myself being so infatuated with controlling egocentric girls? They're silly... Because it seems that the more messed up someone is, the more appealing they are. That's something I've been picking up on as of late. With the more girls that I've gotten to know... the warped ones certainly hold my attention better. Or the ones I don’t understand, but they don’t hold my heart... just my lust. And while lust is lovely in it's own time... I hear having someone's heart is better... Eh, who the heck knows?! I just know that I would rather have someone's heart over their lust! I don’t know, maybe I'm just old fashioned or perhaps a little more conservative than I realized... but who's to say?
But you know, I just think too much. Most people aren’t aware. I very rarely express my deepest thoughts... well, that is unless I'm with someone who is getting intimate with reality checks... then I'll jump right in and talk about my latest thoughts on subjects that no one really gives a damn about. Life, love, money... humanity in general is just a study guide for me. I found myself dissecting my own personality today and I came to the conclusion that I am a human chameleon. I don’t know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but it's what I am. I can fit in with any crowd (within certain reasons... good lord within certain reasons) and that's why everyone knows me. So to everyone who asks me how I know everyone... That's how... I can be any person I want to be to adapt with a certain environment. But the odd thing is... even when I'm at my most somber and silent, or at my most sprightly and silly: I am me.. I’m not throwing up some sort of charade… it’s me… it’s all me baby. I guess I’m just generally a very adaptive character. But I was somewhat surprised when I realized that even when I’m at my most pleasant or at my most cantankerous… I’m me. And I’m not "bull shitting" anyone. It’s cool. It’s the way I was made and it’s the way I intend to stay.
So yeah… that’s my latest blog on sleep walking, Lust Vs. Heart, and chameleons!
So this is a good night from the Kid Chameleon himself,
Gary.
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| Hey er'vrybody! |
[25 Apr 2007|12:04am] |
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Philip Glass - Einstein On the Beach |
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This past weekend was certainly one for the books. I went to Raleigh for visit Laura and Reid at State. I've been making false promises for a while that I would and now that I have my promises are no longer... false.. and stuff. It's pretty cool.
I got to meet Laura's boyfriend Jon. He's awesome. He and I are pretty identical in a lot of ways but it's in the good sort of identical way... not in the "oh my God this guy is the Bizarro to my Superman" sort of way.
This weekend reminded me of why I live. When I stay at home and stay in my circle of people.. I'm not alive. Technically I am, but not truly... not to my full potential. And being reminded of how great life truly can be, it's a bitter-sweet feeling being back. But really, I'd like to be back there. Or at the beach... or in the mountains... one of the places that bring me peace. I'm not satisfied eking through life in a mundane little town with a humdrum little life with only two friends who live near me. That's not where I want or need to be. I need to go somewhere and be something. I have potential and even more than that, I have faith. So, now I have to continue to keep the faith. It feels good to be at this point in my life. I'm truly happy. Thank God... I'm actually happy.
So yeah... that's all I have to say about that... In closing... a picture of me playing a Hello Kitty guitar:
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[02 Jan 2007|06:11pm] |
I cried today. I havent cried in close to five years. I've been through financial hell, loss of loved ones, and overwhelming stress... and I didnt shed a tear. I'm glad to know that I'm still capable of crying and that I havent become some heartless robot.. Even if some would say I have.
This is my stereotypical new year's post. I post because I can, and I can because I'm bored. This new years ever wasnt glamorous or fantastic.. I was too sick with my allergies to enjoy it much. I worked on New Year's Eve and then... didnt get wasted like every other person on the face of the Earth. I dont know, it was kind of fresh. Still, not the way I would have brought in my new year, if I had've still been in contact with a lot of people.
Last year really didnt do much for me.. and from the first three days this year isnt looking up too much. But, all the while, it certainly has great potential. Lots of things are gonna change this year. I finally have the motivation to get back in school. I've spent a day in a factory. How anyone can do that and enjoy it is beyond me. The blue collar life is not for me. In fact, I hate it a whole lot. Fitting.. considering how much I hate all four of those Blue Collar "funny" guys. Dustin and I have a lot going for us with the band/recording studio project and I hope that that starts bringing in some money. The band is doing well.. And my relationships with people are coming back into view. I've been an emotional (and physical) hermit these past few weeks. But everything is coming together.
Blah, whatever... here's to 2007!
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| Gary is truly the angriest of angries. |
[28 Nov 2006|06:28pm] |
It strikes me as odd. You know, the fact that when we're children how different everything is. What happens that makes us grow up so much? I went over a bridge today that I used to travel over a lot when i was a child. It used to seem so massive and the incline made me feel like I was getting ready to go over a roller coaster. It seemed so much different. I did not feel excited... in fact that only thing that hit me was a cold flashback. These sentimental things change so much. People come and go. Things that excite us also come and go. But it's funny how life sets up a brand new set of people or something else that's exciting to make us smile. I've been observing the people that I trust with my life a lot lately and with the exception of two, I've grown to doubt my friends. A lot of friends have become offended that I've become a busier person and to them I say... get over it. Things cant stay the same forever unfortunately.
I dont know what started all of this thinking... But I do know the general time that I changed my views on everything. A couple of weeks ago I went out of town for a little bit and while I was in this other place a lot of things hit me. I dont hate High Point as much I thought I did was the main thing I concluded. I got caught up in the bandwagon of hating this place when.. I cant really hate it, it's my home. I've been here since the day I was born and while I dont plan to stay here til the day I die... I'm not miserable here... In fact, I like it here a lot. I do however acknowledge that this is a dead end town and I am aware that it sucks to a degree... but all the while, it's not so bad. At least, not in my book.
Due to some things I found out that others said and all sorts of uncomfortable confessions on that trip I've grown to doubt a lot of things that I really took for granted then. A lot of the people I thought that I could trust with my life showed off their true colors. I was devastated with the blows I received. Because of that and lots of stress from having car problems I've had a really hard time being comfortable with anyone here lately. I've been really distant with several of my friends and I dont know if I'm going to get any warmer. I dont plan to. I've had it with them.
My pride has been damaged to some degree as of late with the constant questioning of my sexuality. I guess I need to make a public service announcement. I am straight. I dont need anyone to try to figure me out with your psychological mumbo jumbo. I know what I am and now you all do as well. I like girls. End of the freaking story. I'm sick of having this question thrown at me or hearing through the grapevine that someone thinks that I'm a homosexual. I am not. If it's because of my love for Savage Garden, I'm comfortable enough with my sexuality to admit to liking them a lot. And yes, I was really sad when I found out the lead singer was gay. If it's because I'm a quiet and nice person well... that's what happens whenever you're raised by a strongly religious mother who taught you all of these things. Due to everyone questioning me I've become quite prejudice towards a lot of people. I'm sick of the accusations. And I'm sick of those doing the accusing. Get over yourself. If you think I'm gay then you dont know me very well. And apparently a lot of people dont know me well at all.
Lastly, I'm really tired of my car issues. I'm driving a rental car right now but it's getting to be a real hassle. They're talking about cutting off my rental car by this Friday. And it's looking like I'm going to wind up being ripped off... how fair is that? It's not my fault. It's that awful Mexican's fault. I guess that just shows how well our justice system works.
I'm done. If you're offended by anything I said in here... Then you're probably one of the people I'm cutting out.
That's all.
~Gary
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| Collision course.. |
[29 Oct 2006|01:54am] |
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Veronica - Elvis Costello |
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Well, I just woke up from a brief slumber. I had plans tonight. They all took a turn for the worse because some dumbass Mexican woman took a turn right into my car. Let me start this from the beginning.
I was tired of sitting around my house this afternoon watching movies so I decided I'm going to go do some work at my uncle's paint shop. It's something I've been putting off the past couple of days. I went out of the house, jumped in Cooter the Scooter (my car) and was on my way to work at my uncle's.
I had been traveling down Kivett Drive and everything was going smoothly until I got to the Main Street intersection. I was coming down Kivett in the left lane. It's a turning lane but you can also go straight in it. Some Mexican woman was in the middle lane and she decided she was going to go left and cut across the lane in front of me. Having to react in less than two seconds and not having the most powerful breaks in the world lead to only one thing... a crash. I slammed into her driver's side door busting her glass out of the window and ripping half of her door off.
I got out of my car and went to see if she was okay and waited for the cops to get there. I had a very nice cop who was on my side the entire time. The thing that really set me off was this evil spaniard tried to say that I was the one in the middle lane turning but she was obviously lying from the areas of impact... This cop just laughed her off and gave her a ticket.
How's ol' Coot doing you may ask... Well, he's in critical condition. There's a good chance that due to the fact that he is fifteen years old that they may have to total him out. At which point I'll have to get another car... But I dont want another car.. I want MY car. :(
But, I'm just happy that no one got really hurt besides my car. I mean, there were two women, two children, and a baby in that car. I dont much care about the evil woman who made a dumb move and then tried to blame me, but I'm glad she isnt hurt too bad. I'm not hurt that badly. I'm really sore however and I'm worried that I may lose my tank as I like to call that car. But, thank God I'm still alive. It's like Laura and I were saying last night... You never really know when you may be driving and the next thing you know... your time on this Earth is up... I'm just glad this wasnt the end of my time.
I'm very grateful for that.
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| Reliving a fantastic weekend.. |
[22 Oct 2006|11:43pm] |
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Philip Glass - Raising the Sails |
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This past weekend has been pretty incredible. I got to have some alone time, hang out with some of my good friends, and meet a couple of celebrities.
I guess I should start where most weekends start... Friday night. Actually, Friday was kind of boring, let's just skip to Saturday.
Saturday was insane because I woke up just planning on it being another day. My mom and I drove over to Lexington and as we were walking down Main Street we saw a performance going on on a stage and while it sounded like a typical karaoke performance the singer sounded just too incredible to be untrained. So I walked closer to the stage to find out that it was Jeff Timmons of 98 Degrees. Right here.. for an outdoor festival. That blew my mind... but not only that, he brought along a special guest... Anyone remember that rap song from the 90s Oochie Coochie? It was performed by a rapper who only had a couple of hits... MC Brains. Well, MC Brains took the stage and let Jeff take a break. He got out there and started rapping... Everyone in the crowd started jumping around and waving their hands in the air, etc. etc. It was an incredible sight. Then, shortly there-after Jeff took the stage again and did some more songs... Both songs from his upcoming album and from 98 Degrees And Rising. He closed the show with The Hardest Thing... My favorite song of theirs, with the exception of Invisible Man which he'd already done earlier in the show. After the show I went around behind the stage and got to talk with both of them for a little bit. Both Jeff and Brainz are really cool guys. Nice as they can be. I got autographs from both of them and had a picture taken. It was fantastic.
Then, shortly after that, I went home and then to Taco Bell with my mom. I then met up with Caitlin, John, and Kathy there.. We all went over to UNCG and saw Kathy's dorm. Then we snuck into the music school and John played some music on one of their really nice pianos while I laid on the floor. Shortly after that we left and went to Waffle House on the south end of town where on the way we saw some fellow receiving "pleasure" from his girlfriend while driving beside of us. We got to Waffle House and John had his first experience there... God, that place is better than the Diner... well, everything except for their hash browns. We then went from there to the local graveyard where we see-sawed some and then got chased out. To conclude the night we went by Stella's and talked with her for a while. That was a nice change or scenery.
Um, yeah... then today was good but much like Friday... nothing really happened, so um, I leave you with three pictures. I know they kind of suck, but it was the best I could do with my camera phone..
Jeff Timmons
MC Brains or Brainz Davis as he goes by now
Me, Jeff, Brains, and the guy who opened for them Bobby Anderson
Well, that's about it for me guys... hope you all have a good one!
-PS arent you glad that I made a happy entry?-
~Gary
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| Gary is still unhappy.. Prepare yourself for it. |
[18 Oct 2006|05:59pm] |
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Heart Attack - Darren Hayes |
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The point in living is vague. It has been for the last few years. I constantly tell my dad that I'm not depressed but... I know I'm lying. I kept telling myself that once I got a job things would be better in my life. But now that I have one... it all feels the same.
My best friend in the world is going through major problems and I'm fighting right along beside him because I know how it feels. I've been in hopeless situations... albeit, perhaps not this hopeless, but I've been there and I know what he's going through.
But, I think the thing that's bothering me the most is that every single morning when I wake up.. I feel as if my importance and significance in the lives of others goes down just a little bit more. With every passing hour I feel as though certain people care for me less and less. I feel that way for several people... I could handle it if it were just one person but with it being 3+ people it's hard. These people make me feel so unlovable, untouchable, and downright jaded. It's hard to smile today, mainly because I dont want to. It takes a bit too much effort for me.
My birthday is coming up soon and I couldnt care less. I dont really want anything. I dont want to have a party. I've never liked having parties... they just make me upset. I've always had problems with throwing parties... We dont have the money to do so. And that's fine. I'm not that upset with that because the only one I remember having as a kid, I wound up crying because everyone decided to destroy the party decorations. I dont want that garbage again.
Not everything is terrible right now. I've made a lot of positive changes in my life as of late and I'm feeling better about everything. I still have a hand full of good friends and I love them all dearly. I have a job that I'm going to like once my tests all pass. I have a lot of positive things going for me right now.
Last night John and I saw Superman Returns and I must admit.. it was really good. I mean, sure it was cheesy but so was everyone's favorite Spiderman 2. There were a few scenes that were really sweet. All in all, it was done very well. I wish Kevin Spacey had've had a bigger part but he may have one in the inevitable sequel.
Speaking of yesterday there was apparently an earthquake in Winston Salem (the town right beside of me) which inspired two aftershocks somewhere around 12 hours later. That's a scary thought.. I had no idea we were near the fault lines or whatever they call them, but I guess those things are everywhere. Something eerie about an earthquake around here... Seems almost biblical.
I'm done here I guess.
~Gary
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| Gary Lane... The Incredible Trapped in A Tough Situation Boy is here to amuse you! |
[13 Oct 2006|10:30pm] |
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Tonight I sat down and I felt the tears well up.
That's the closest I've come to crying in years.
About five to be exact.
I'm not one to sign into my journal and/or blog and whine but tonight, I felt that it was a necessity. Today has truly been cursed. Ironic that it was Friday the 13th huh? I spent the first half of my day doing nothing... I didnt have to go job hunting or anything because I finally got one. I shortly thereafter received a call from Jake telling me that I needed to come over and when I got over there I was greeted with uber stressful situations... None of those situations do I feel at liberty to discuss. Nearly ten minutes after I hung up the phone with Jake I got another phone call. This time it was John and I told him that I was hanging out with Jake. That upset him, I understand why, I dont blame him... Enough said about that. I told John that I'd call him around 10 and I proceeded to do such after leaving Jake's place. John told me he was in Greensboro.. understandable, I would be too if I were in his shoes. There are a couple other things about tonight. My car was acting jumpy... I think that may just be the climate change... It does that when it gets cold out. By the time I got home it was running fine so that's not on my mind too much. Secondly, when I close my right eye and then open it again, there is this white area at the bottom. It's a kind of light like if someone snaps a camera with the flash on and you're looking directly into it. It stayed for about thirty minutes... that worries me terribly. I'm not noticing it too much now, but then again, I'm sitting in a well lit room as I type this so I probably wouldnt notice if it were still there.
All of these things and a few other things including Jake's situation and some stuff I dont want to talk about in here inclined me to grab Chandler and sit down on the couch. I've never understood the concept of sitting and watching time pass you by until tonight. I sat and watched the clock tick minute after minute for about fifteen of them. I felt almost hypnotized... I've gotta admit, that's the best I've felt today, because I wasnt doing anything that involved well... anything. After about fifteen minutes of sitting there (which is apparently about all a cat can take of humans) Chandler jumped down and I was kind of shook back into reality. A reality that I didnt want to be brought back into so suddenly. So now I'm sitting right here, in front of a computer... typing in my diary. How cute. I'm typing about how upset I am. I pity my existence at some points. I feel trapped in a quandary.. I just dont know how to move or where to go or for that matter, who to turn to. I turn to my cat because he's the only constant. The only friend of mine who has never hurt my feelings. I just fear the day that he passes on and pray that it doesnt come too soon. Sitting here venting to some computer page that I dont care much for, hoping you people read is the simple HIGHLIGHT of my night. How pathetic.
I'm done here. I feel better. Goodnight.
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| Chuckle-Butt The Rambling Pudgen. |
[10 Aug 2006|09:01pm] |
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Billy Joel |
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I had a dream.
Perhaps not as profound as Martin Luther King Jr's dreams... But I had a dream none the less.
Last night, I had a dream that I ran into her again. It's been a while since I've seen her and I'm pretty sure she's the love of my life. I ran into her in a bookstore. I went up and talked to her and she hugged me... Her live-in boyfriend shunned me. Apparently, in my dreams, he and I are not friends. I made up for all of my past mistakes and I got her number finally. And, it's ironic... the entire time I was having this dream, I kept praying that I wouldnt wake up. I kept praying that this was really happening. Alas, to my great dismay... I woke up a few minutes later without a number, hug, or visit.
Dreams are tricky things. I was so sure this was the real thing. I felt the hug, I felt the paper that had her number on it in my hand... I felt like I was there. I smelled the typical bookstore smell. It really blew my mind whenever I woke up and all of that was ripped away from me.
It's also funny how the psyche truly works. I havent thought about her at all in the past couple of days maybe even weeks. And yet, she haunted my dreams. Well, I wouldnt call what she did "haunting" but... Yet, now that I'm awake, I feel hollow and worried. So perhaps it is indeed haunting.
I worry that she'll move away and I'll never see her again. I took solace because in my dream she said she would not be leaving. Now that I'm awake and seeing things clearly I am very aware that that was not a reality. I dont know that I truly understand reality at this point.
Due to such events, I woke up in a somewhat down mood. But at least, I look forward to the rest of the day because it can only get better, I suppose.
And I just hope that when I close my eyes tonight I dont see her face again...
Even though that would be nice.
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| Gary bitches and moans some more... Stay tuned. |
[20 Jul 2006|02:36am] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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music |
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Scenes From An Italian Restaurant - Billy Joel |
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So as of right now, I feel like a real jerk. I feel a lot of pain for the way I've treated my father over the past few years. And when I say the past few years, I mean the past fifteen or so. My dad loves me and he always has, but due to some... private complications that a couple of you may know I was afraid to spend any time with him. Now that I've grown up, I feel so awful. I never spent the night at his house because of irrational fears. I never spent time with him on the weekends like I should have because I just didnt feel like it. I was a "mamma's boy" and I wish I wasnt now... I wish I had learned the things that a boy needs to learn from their father. I know very little about cars because I was always with my mom. I know very little about sports because I was always with my mom. I know very little about how to repair things around the house because I grew up with my mom, but I can tell you that the Allen doll was made by the Barbie company from the year of 1964-1965 only (before his current popularity with the dismissal of Ken of course). I wish things were a lot different.
I was just thinking about my friend's parents... they're so happy and proud of their child. It's beautiful. I wish I was the same way.
I think this line of thought started with a conversation between Katie and me the other day... I've blocked out a lot of my childhood and due to that conversation, memories have been seeping back in and it's starting to drive me mad. I cant watch home movies from when I was young because I always wind up in tears because I know how the ending will turn out. I know that the images of a happy kid with his mom and dad will dissipate just a mere year or two later. I know that kid is going to be really fucked up for years to come because of the way his mother ended things. I know all of these things and it depresses me. Really to the point of crying.
(Granted, I've gotten better about the crying everytime I watch one thing, but still the negative emotions are there)
I just wish I could turn back time and make everything work out okay with my mother and father. I wish I could be at peace with my family. I wish I could stop my mom from making all her marriage mistakes. I wish I could do a lot of things... But I cant. I can barely find the words to say to type this entry...
As the brilliant and amazing Woody Allen once said in reference to the Holocaust... History has a way of repeating itself. And my parents divorce being what I fear repeating itself... Well, that's what scares me the most.
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| Dont go changing waterfalls.. |
[23 Jun 2006|03:15pm] |
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mood |
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bomp bomp bomp |
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music |
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Broken Promise Land - Elvis Costello |
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So the other night I got kind of drunk off of some Jack and Everclear. I followed that up with going to a waterfall with some good friends of mine. Waterfalls are brilliant, beautiful, marvelous... The only thing that disrupted the beauty of this one was a terribly obnoxious factory right beside it. I was reminded of the film Koyaanisquatsi... most dont know what that is, but I know John and Katie do and Nate might, since he's like a film guru of sorts. I couldnt help but think what is the world coming to? Something as majestic as a waterfall (one of the few we have in the remote area at that) just ruined by man. But then again, what doesnt man ruin in this day and age?
I sat that and it gave me a lot of time to think. I think the best when I'm slightly under the influence of drugs or alcohol. But since I rarely do either... it's nice to have those brief moments where I allow myself to think without setbacks.
I've lost contact with a lot of people. John's gone for seven weeks and while that's really got me down today, I'm sure I'll get over it soon enough. I still have my Boo and the band and a handful of other friends so I'll be alright.
Well, I'm out of here... it's time for a shower, so I'll bid you all adieu.
Later.
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| On the telephone line I am anyone, I am anything I want to be. |
[14 Jun 2006|02:39am] |
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 complacent |
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Santa Monica - Savage Garden |
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"But then again I reminisce,
I miss that hug I miss that kiss,
I miss that love...
Really cuz, I miss that bitch."
Why does this idiot preface a blog with a Snoop Dogg quote you might ask... Well, I dont have a good answer for that, but I do know that I've had a lot on my mind as of late. A number of things varying from past flames to current crushes to the end of time.
So far this summer, it's been amazing, spending every day with Katie and John. I really cant think of a day in the past two weeks (or more?) that I didnt see one or the other. It's been fantastic. The other day we went to Hanging Rock.. that was fun. Another memory written in chalk on the board of my mind. It's still an enigma to me how Katie and I actually made it to the top. You know, without our hearts stopping or knees giving out.
I've been feeling exceptionally vulnerable today. I've been thinking about someone that I used to be crazy about. Like usual, I dont talk to that person anymore... much less do I know where the hell she is. I just remember sitting in classes with her. She was such a mystery... to quote Ben Folds... she was everything I wanted... she was everything I was not. She did drugs, partied, and did all sorts of shit that I at that time did not do. I've changed some since then, I wonder how I would react with her now... would things be different? Would she and I stand a chance? She was also what you might call... taken. Although, I'm sure I could have got her to cheat on her boyfriend, but you know... I'm against that sort of thing. I remember the day she told me she was leaving... I hugged her.. and she hugged me. And all of the students made their typical high school immature "ohhs and ahhs" but it didnt phase me... I felt no embarrasment. Because while I had never been with this girl in anymore of a way than as a friend, I often times felt as though we were more. It was probably the only time I've ever been close to another person without feeling like they were leading me on or I was leading them on. It was equally shared. What I felt wasnt strong enough to be love, but when she told me she wouldnt return the following year, that was strong enough to be heart break. - So now I sit here... Wondering what happened to her. It doesnt seem fair, that someone that I could care about and think so very highly of (even though I probably shouldnt have) could just disappear. I wont lie... Every now and then, I miss her. My God how I miss her. But at the same time, I dont let it get me down. It's the fondest of fond memories. One of the few that I will carry with me from Ledford.
So, yesterday, I began my conquest to be a vegetarian. I had my last meat filled meal from the Dog House yesterday at noon so that was a nice way to say arevoire to meats. I'm incredibly excited to be doing this. I've wanted to for some time but up until now, but I havent felt like I had the ability. It's going to be interesting the next couple days. But I'm sure I can power through.
I'm working on my very first solo CD. It's going to be odd. I've been writing songs and for some reason I cant quit writing about sex and drugs... Two things that I dont mind writing about once but... once is enough. Once I get about ten songs written that I want to record, I'm gonna start making up some musical stuff for them with the guitar and/or piano. Then comes the fun part... Going to the warehouse and using our recording program.. laying down all the tracks and then... voila! A masterpeice! ...maybe. I just have to get a little better at the bass before I can record anything.
Also in music, I'm playing in a band called Sophistos... I know I've been with them forever and most of you know who they are, but for those who dont, they're they band on that little banner thingie! I'm the drummer. It's pretty cool. I've never had the chance to play shows before and I'm getting that oppurtunity now. I hope you call can some see us eventually at some point or another. It's been a lot of fun and I've made some new friends that I love hanging out with. Finding new people to hang out with is never a bad thing.
Who knows, maybe I'll start writing in this thing more. It's just too bad I dont have much to say most of the time. So until next time, have fun.
~Gary
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| Ramblings: By a ramblesom man. |
[25 Feb 2006|02:18am] |
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mood |
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 deep in thought |
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music |
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TODO - Beyond Recognition |
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She and I are standing there. She looks at me as if only to ask one question. A question to which she seems to be afraid to hear the answer to.
"Do you still have feelings for me?"
I think for a moment and then reply with: "Am I still attracted to you? Yes... do I still have a crush on you? Well, I think you've missed that chance."
The answer seems to take her back. For so long she knew she had me under her power but suddenly, I break free. She searches to find the words, but doesn’t totally know how to respond to that. She finally asks what she really seems to fear... The dreaded question:
"Do you even love me anymore?"
I sit and think to myself. All the times that I said that I did love her play in my mind. All the times that I thought I was head over heels. All the times that I told her she meant more to me than anyone else in the world. And then I reply while half chuckling at my own ignorance...
No.
It's funny how love and lust can be so closely defined. You don’t know which you're feeling half the time. I've come to the conclusion that at this age, I'm not supposed to understand love. I'm not supposed to be looking for love. And I'm not supposed to be so goddamn dependent on it that it hurts not to have it. Yet being eighteen, bored, and stupid - I think that I understand it, and every time something even close to love comes my way, I latch on to the very thought of it. I've made that mistake before, and I'm bound to make it again.
Love is impending and inevitable. Even those who never really find someone to spend the rest of their life with fall in love. With someone or something. Someone or something that they know is unattainable. Or are at least convinced that it is.
In the past few months, I’ve learned so much more than I’ve ever known. So many general wonderings of mine have come to abrupt and usually obvious conclusions. These kind of conclusions help me write this entry with some faith in love. Before this last month, I had decided something that we all think at some point that love doesn’t exist. That, my friends, is untrue. Love is very real, it is around us, it is everything we are and everything we hope to be. Yet, at this age, it is everything we’re not and we don’t have. The people at my age and younger who think that they’ve found “the one” that Nicholas Sparks speaks of are quite simply lying to themselves. Contrary to what the movies and friends say, at this age people should not be worried about having those long winded relationships that celebrity gossip channels make seem so good. But, at the same time… it’s nice to feel “loved.” But at the same time, I have a feeling that most of these relationships that these kids hold so dear to their hearts will mean very little in the grand scheme of things. When they grow up, how much will this “high school sweet heart” really matter? Someone that they learned from, had fights with, and wasted a few Valentine’s Days on. People’s opinions of Valentine’s Day, their myspaces that state how much they love their significant other, and “teen movies” really put me in this quandary of sorts. I’m so tired of society’s impression on day-to-day life.
You might think that I write this because I’m bitter. But honestly, for the first time, I write this from a totally peaceful opinion. I’ve said a lot of this before, but I’ve never truly felt power over my emotions. At least, not to the point that I do now. A lot of things have happened in the past month that have aided to my evolution as a human being. I’ve spent time with the family of a girl that I cared a lot about. I learned of her past, looked through photos, talked, ate, and stayed with her that night. This evolution… It’s making me realize that a lot of those times that I felt “love” before was clearly a misconception. I don’t want to say that what I felt in those earlier situations was lust… at least, not the modern conception of lust. It was more than that, but it wasn’t love. And now I know that for sure. There have been many times that I’ve felt like a royal jerk for leading them on in some ways, but now I realize that I was young and stupid. It was really nothing personal towards any of them. And this is kind of my informal apology to both of them for “loving” them and then suddenly changing. “Shit happens” even when it shouldn’t…
My evolution is not nearly complete yet. I’m still fighting. To quote Alanis Morrisette: “You live and you learn” and I’m learning to live. To the best of my ability at least.
Thanks for reading.
~Gary
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[12 Feb 2006|12:21pm] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don't think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I can't say anymore than "I love you"
Everything else is a waste of breath
I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall
I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said "Young man I do believe you're dying"
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
I want you
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways
I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for
it's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
I want you
It's the thought of him undressing you or you undressing
I want you
He tossed some tattered compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when he said
"I want you"
I want you
The truth can't hurt you it's just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then we'll let it drop
I want you
I'm afraid I won't know where to stop
I want you
I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
No-one who wants you could want you more
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
I want you
I'm going to say it again 'til I instill it
I know I'm going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
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| Updates? Not likely. I'll probably just ramble. |
[06 Feb 2006|04:20pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Beat Of My Heart - Hilary Duff |
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It's amazing how so much clarity can come from being damn near incoherent. Friday night I got pretty drunk and doing so opened my eyes to a lot of things. I realized that the people that I've treasured for the past year are just a photograph in my mind's photo album. A majority of my friend's are falling off, not because we've had a fight or anything, but we've all just gotten busy. I'm busy and they understand that, I owe them the common curtesy to understand they're busy also. I've been making new friends, and re-kindling friendships with other friends. That's always fun. And the main event of the past month, someone that I thought was the love of my life, turned out to be a hollow situation after all was said and done. I know I've spent a lot of the past weekend in a haze, but it's given me time to think. Well, the fact that I think well when I'm trashed added to the fact that I was on the road for probably a total of 20 hours over the past two days. I went to see my dear sweet Katie at Pembroke. That's a three hour drive there and back and I drove there, came back to high point with her, drove back to Pembroke with her, and then drove back to High point by myself. It was a lot of night time driving, but it was totally worth it. I met her brother and her aunt. Her brother seems like a cool guy. And I really like her aunt also. Not to mention her mom is just amazing. Haha. Anyways, her brother and I stayed up late downing a beer or two talking about life. It was the first time I've ever experienced that. I feel like I'm really growing up at this point. I'm at a good point. I'm still young enough to party and not feel guilty, but at the same time I'm old enough to realize that a lot of big things are going to be happening in the next couple of years. 18 is a fucked up age, but I have to say... so far I'm enjoying the hell out of it. Katie and I left on Sunday around 3 to head back to her school after eating dinner with her family. Her family, which by the way kept saying we make the perfect couple. It was rather funny. Anyways, we came back to Pembroke and about five minutes after I got out of the car there, I got in my car and drove back here. I love that girl. She's great.
Anyways, I guess I'm through... that was my weekend.
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| Denying my love is a crime, but will you still love a man out of time? |
[04 Feb 2006|02:48am] |
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mood |
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 hungover |
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music |
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Oliver's Army - Elvis Costello |
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When I kissed her on New Years, I kissed her hoping that we would be together for the whole year. But, by the end of January we barely talked. Doesnt that figure? Haha, perhaps it does, but I dont really care. At this point, I'm just now coming down off of an alcohol high. I went to a party at Amanda's tonight and I got really drunk with Andrew, who btw, is freaking awesome. It was a fun night of talking on the phone, the internet, Kelly's breasts making my arm bounce in the car, and me yelling "ANDREW" a lot...
I want to go somewhere with that first sentence, but maybe another time when I feel more... poetic, or something, haha. I'm out. Peace guys.
PS: I'm heading out of town tommorow for a day so I shant be updating soon, but I'll update when I get back from my little trip. Talk to you all later!
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